Lesbian High Fives
Woman at work: So what do you do on the weekends since you are new to town?
Me: I go to the beach and hang out with some friend I have made. I'm also seeing someone. It's new but really great!
Woman at work: Oh nice! What's his name?
Me: Actually, I am dating a woman.
Woman at work: Awesome!
She high fives me!
She high-fived me!!!!!!
A colleague in the fashion industry gave me a sincere high five for dating a woman!
I WON!
Then I danced around my desk in a whimsical fashion throwing glitter everywhere and bear hugging people.
Ok fine, I didn't. But I wanted to!
Smelling Nail Polish And Kissing Girls
Me: I like your shoes. You always have great man shoes. I should borrow them one day(this is me flirting). I have big feet. I totally could fit them.
Him: Um thanks. You always have nice pink nail polish.
(It's true. I always have a manicure. Cause I'm girly and like bein purdy)
Me: Thanks! You can borrow it sometime! I have a whole bottle.
Him: I just want to smell it.
*incredibly awkward silence*
Him: I have no idea why I said that.
If he hadn't said that I probably would have dated him in one more desperate plea with the universe for a functional heterosexual relationship- like a drunk clinging to shards of grass on the lawn terrified they are going to fly into the sun and burn up if they let go. And it probably would have worked. As long as we had sex in the dark. And I pretended he was Megan Fox. Ha.
But as it all panned out I in fact did not date him. What I did was I went to Home Depot immediately and bought a big-ass lock and then I started dating a girl. And she came over to my place and helped me instal it on my door to keep out weirdos who want to smell my nail polish. Cause I'm girly and am not skilled with power tools(see above reference: hot pink toes). And that was the first time we kissed(awwww).
Him: Um thanks. You always have nice pink nail polish.
(It's true. I always have a manicure. Cause I'm girly and like bein purdy)
Me: Thanks! You can borrow it sometime! I have a whole bottle.
Him: I just want to smell it.
*incredibly awkward silence*
Him: I have no idea why I said that.
If he hadn't said that I probably would have dated him in one more desperate plea with the universe for a functional heterosexual relationship- like a drunk clinging to shards of grass on the lawn terrified they are going to fly into the sun and burn up if they let go. And it probably would have worked. As long as we had sex in the dark. And I pretended he was Megan Fox. Ha.
But as it all panned out I in fact did not date him. What I did was I went to Home Depot immediately and bought a big-ass lock and then I started dating a girl. And she came over to my place and helped me instal it on my door to keep out weirdos who want to smell my nail polish. Cause I'm girly and am not skilled with power tools(see above reference: hot pink toes). And that was the first time we kissed(awwww).
Lesbian Wingman
"SEE! NOTHING IS SACRED!" She shouts in my ear. She points to two girls making out. "The one with the short hair- she is married to a different girl!" Says the shouty girl. "THIS IS WHY ALICE MADE THE CHART!" I shout back.
The shouty girl that I'm dancing with goes by "he" actually. You are about to get confused because now I am going to start calling "her" a "him". Still with me? Ok, let's go.
He tells me he does modelling. I believe it because he is pretty and slender and has perfectly toned arms. He tells me he isn't usually into "fems" but I have really beautiful eyes. It is convenient for 2 reasons that he doesn't like feminine women:
1. I'm already seeing someone
2. I don't date guys for a reason. Because I don't like guys. And he is a guy.
The friend I actually came to meet has been abducted by a girl with fluffy hair and dark lipstick who won't stop talking. The girl, I mean guy, I am dancing with tells me that he is the designated wingman for the night. He has now taken me under his wing additionally as I told him this is my first time at this fine establishment of glitter and I came alone. Because I am a badass. Or a nut job. Or possibly both! Ha! It was a split second decision while in cab heading home from partying somewhere else. And since I am sitting on my stripey couch with a fluffy labradoodle typing this unharmed I would say my instincts once again didn't let me down! High five.
A dragqueen is onstage singing an upbeat dance song. People sing along. Boys swing around poles. We go to find vodka. It's delicious. Should be get a second? Yes? I concur! We have two.
Both bathrooms are gender neutral which means anyone can use either of them. They both smell fairly bad. I think this is the result of urinals. Hard to say as men's washrooms are not really my area of expertise. While I am in a stall I hear a high pitched male voice yell, "Don't look!" and then eruptions of laughter. Outside on the patio everyone is smoking. It kind of smells like watermelon and the bouncer looks exactly like Pornstache! "Do you think it's real?" Wingman asks me. We decide it's fake.
Sometime around 3 or 4 am I decide to take off. Hop into a cab. The cab driver asks me how my night went. "Great! How about you?" I say. He tells me his night is going well and he says that I am very nice. There is a small silence and then:
Cab driver: You came out of that club. That's a gay club.
Me: Oh really?
I pretend to muse.
We both laugh.
I devour a bowl of spinach with salsa on it and pass out. The end.
The shouty girl that I'm dancing with goes by "he" actually. You are about to get confused because now I am going to start calling "her" a "him". Still with me? Ok, let's go.
He tells me he does modelling. I believe it because he is pretty and slender and has perfectly toned arms. He tells me he isn't usually into "fems" but I have really beautiful eyes. It is convenient for 2 reasons that he doesn't like feminine women:
1. I'm already seeing someone
2. I don't date guys for a reason. Because I don't like guys. And he is a guy.
The friend I actually came to meet has been abducted by a girl with fluffy hair and dark lipstick who won't stop talking. The girl, I mean guy, I am dancing with tells me that he is the designated wingman for the night. He has now taken me under his wing additionally as I told him this is my first time at this fine establishment of glitter and I came alone. Because I am a badass. Or a nut job. Or possibly both! Ha! It was a split second decision while in cab heading home from partying somewhere else. And since I am sitting on my stripey couch with a fluffy labradoodle typing this unharmed I would say my instincts once again didn't let me down! High five.
A dragqueen is onstage singing an upbeat dance song. People sing along. Boys swing around poles. We go to find vodka. It's delicious. Should be get a second? Yes? I concur! We have two.
Both bathrooms are gender neutral which means anyone can use either of them. They both smell fairly bad. I think this is the result of urinals. Hard to say as men's washrooms are not really my area of expertise. While I am in a stall I hear a high pitched male voice yell, "Don't look!" and then eruptions of laughter. Outside on the patio everyone is smoking. It kind of smells like watermelon and the bouncer looks exactly like Pornstache! "Do you think it's real?" Wingman asks me. We decide it's fake.
Sometime around 3 or 4 am I decide to take off. Hop into a cab. The cab driver asks me how my night went. "Great! How about you?" I say. He tells me his night is going well and he says that I am very nice. There is a small silence and then:
Cab driver: You came out of that club. That's a gay club.
Me: Oh really?
I pretend to muse.
We both laugh.
I devour a bowl of spinach with salsa on it and pass out. The end.
Orange Is The New Brandy
No. I'm not in prison. But I think I'm in love.
She's amazing, funny, smart, beautiful, and it's not a phase.
My Mom made me buy Sioned O'Connor instead of Spice girls. Is this why I'm gay? Or is it because I like Tegan And Sara before they were out of the closet. I can't believe I was ever in my closet...there are so many shoes in there....so crowded....
I wanted to tell you long ago but you see I was afraid. And was in a dark place. But now I am living in a place full of soft kisses and hand holding and glitter and rainbows!
My girlfriend and I are on a crowded rooftop patio party. She touches my back and I smile at her. We kiss. In public! My friend lights up a joint on a heat lamp. The music is pumping- JayZ cause Beyonce is coming to town. We get super drunk and stumble home. I put on some Songza. Currently really into "Pacific Coast Highway Drive". Check it out guys.
Everyone at work knows I am dating a girl. And they don't give a damn. Welcome to the 21st century. Even my Dad knows! It's all good. I've lost 80 pounds of denial and guilt. I'm terrified to post this.
But I am who I am. This is who I am.
She's amazing, funny, smart, beautiful, and it's not a phase.
My Mom made me buy Sioned O'Connor instead of Spice girls. Is this why I'm gay? Or is it because I like Tegan And Sara before they were out of the closet. I can't believe I was ever in my closet...there are so many shoes in there....so crowded....
I wanted to tell you long ago but you see I was afraid. And was in a dark place. But now I am living in a place full of soft kisses and hand holding and glitter and rainbows!
My girlfriend and I are on a crowded rooftop patio party. She touches my back and I smile at her. We kiss. In public! My friend lights up a joint on a heat lamp. The music is pumping- JayZ cause Beyonce is coming to town. We get super drunk and stumble home. I put on some Songza. Currently really into "Pacific Coast Highway Drive". Check it out guys.
Everyone at work knows I am dating a girl. And they don't give a damn. Welcome to the 21st century. Even my Dad knows! It's all good. I've lost 80 pounds of denial and guilt. I'm terrified to post this.
But I am who I am. This is who I am.
Going to the Emmy Awards after party in LA
When I lived in LA and was designing clothes I got to go to the Emmy Awards after party. It was around 9pm and I parked just off Hollywood Blvd. I was wearing very high black heels and tight black jeans and this gorgeous Nanette Lepore lace shirt with buttons around the wrists. Love that shirt. Still have it somewhere...
Lindsay Lohan was there with her girlfriend. She was wearing this really beautiful black velvet cape. All the serving staff were really gorgeous and were wearing kimonos, red lipstick, and they served sushi. There were tons of tiny paper cranes hung from the roof and there was a live band playing. It was a really fantastic night. I will attach a pic.
Lindsay Lohan was there with her girlfriend. She was wearing this really beautiful black velvet cape. All the serving staff were really gorgeous and were wearing kimonos, red lipstick, and they served sushi. There were tons of tiny paper cranes hung from the roof and there was a live band playing. It was a really fantastic night. I will attach a pic.
