Blog

Risk

people ask me

"Weren't you scared moving to LA alone at 18?!"

or NY with only $500 in cash and a little suitcase

or living in London England

yes. yes I was.

but I was much more terrified of not going

and asking myself

"What if?"

(also, my brother read me the Hobbit when we were little

and I like the smell of adventure)

Epic New York Storm

So I was supposed to be in New York for work right meow

(because I have the greatest job ever ever ever!)

but the trip got postponed last minute

and New York is in a total state of panic right now

because of this epic snowstorm which is going to be the worst in history

(not even a hyperbole, thats what the meteorologists say)

anyways, my Mom texted me today and was like

"You know, you actually have a guardian angel haha you always narrowly escape disaster"

She is 100% right about that.

...like the time I accidentally rented an apartment in the LA ghetto

(they said there was a park...on google it has a rowboat on it.....they didn't mention is was a crack-park, ok?)

and my landlord turned out to be a big time porn director

and the poet upstairs started leaving creepy poems under my door at 3am

and there were cockroaches

and I almost got abducted by a truck full of scary men

but I ran and hid behind a house

or the time in New York when my roommate got antibiotic resistant flesh eating disease

I'm not even making this stuff up you guys haha

so, whatever/whoever keeps saving me.....

This is for you:

(please ignore my adam's apple....meh.)

Designing clothes in Beverly Hills

-Los Angeles-

I scan down the list in the phonebook as a waif-like blonde flitters through the office like a beautiful Prada monarche butterfly

I dial out and wait

Man(Mexican accent): Hello?
Me: Hi! Do you have (insert rare and exotic animal)
Him: .....ummmm... un momento por favor...(distant Spanish yelling)
Him: Come today?
Me: Yes, I will be there in the next hour

I hop into my boss's car and drive to east LA

Hair flying in the open wind of the sunroof

People trying to sell me chopped up mangoes
Chaotic swirling traffic as my arms tan in the sun

Los Angeles New Years Eve !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU GUYS!!!!!
I JUST FOUND OUT.............

I'M GOING TO BE IN LA FOR NEW YEARS EVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'M A LITTLE EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!

Compton, watch out.

Lesbian Santa Letter

Dear Santa,

I have been ~~good~~....pretty good this year. I have not run over any little old ladies, I eat my collard greens(.....is kale a collard green.....what are collard greens?!), and always have protected(ish) sex.
So! Since you are so busy I made this handy shopping list for you (I'm so considerate!)

Need:
1. Someone to clean my shower
2. Expensive shoes....ok fine this isn't a "need"

3. Plane ticket to LA. No, for real. I need this.

(below: what I will be doing there)

Want:
1. Sexy girlfriend/partner to see 3-4 times a week

( OMGAWD look how cute we are!!! so in love)

2. We will (obviously) need a U-haul booked approximately 4-5 weeks after meeting so we can live together

(yay!)

3. If we could move straight into a home outfitted exactly like Anthroplogie that would be great!

Hope I'm not asking too much. By the way, that beard looks hot on you.
You were so hipster before the hipsters.

muah
Brandy

Backstage At Los Angeles Fashion Week

I tear the shirt off a man covered in body shimmer foundation
He has the abs of Titan and a perfect face like a Calvin Klein model
Her: LET'S GO GUYS! GO GO GO! DON'T FORGET YOUR ACCESSORIES! LINE UP HERE!
It's a flurry of nude thongs, vintage boots, photographers taking photos of Anthony Kiedis kissing supermodels on the cheek, round makeup light bulbs, models comparing carrot cleanses, and a woman in a dramatic green fur stole giving me LA survival advice.

this madness, my home

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