Dear Nurse
Dear Nurse at the Women's Health Clinic who noticed me cracking a smile when she turned the screen away from me as she was taking down notes:
I was imagining you in a really bad mood doing your job and just typing,
"SLUT SLUT SLUT STUTITY SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT"
into people's files and how satisfying that would feel for you.
Speaking of naked selfies....
Dear person who "accidentally" synced my Dad's IPOD to my computer when I was 20 and uploaded photos of me in lipstick and a questionable amount of clothing onto his machine:
3 things:
1. I know who you are.
2. You still owe me
3. I like shoes
3 things:
1. I know who you are.
2. You still owe me
3. I like shoes
I'm pretty sure we are both still traumatized.
Lesbian Santa Letter
Dear Santa,
I have beengood....pretty good this year. I have not run over any little old ladies, I eat my collard greens(.....is kale a collard green.....what are collard greens?!), and always have protected(ish) sex.
So! Since you are so busy I made this handy shopping list for you (I'm so considerate!)
Need:
1. Someone to clean my shower
2. Expensive shoes....ok fine this isn't a "need"
3. Plane ticket to LA. No, for real. I need this.
Want:
1. Sexy girlfriend/partner to see 3-4 times a week
2. We will (obviously) need a U-haul booked approximately 4-5 weeks after meeting so we can live together
3. If we could move straight into a home outfitted exactly like Anthroplogie that would be great!
Hope I'm not asking too much. By the way, that beard looks hot on you.
You were so hipster before the hipsters.
muah
Brandy
I have been
So! Since you are so busy I made this handy shopping list for you (I'm so considerate!)
Need:
1. Someone to clean my shower
2. Expensive shoes....ok fine this isn't a "need"
3. Plane ticket to LA. No, for real. I need this.
(below: what I will be doing there)
1. Sexy girlfriend/partner to see 3-4 times a week
( OMGAWD look how cute we are!!! so in love)
(yay!)
You were so hipster before the hipsters.
muah
Brandy
Dear Vodka
Her: Did you really wear that jacket today?
-she gestures to my winter parka-
Me: Ya..... it was cold out! I had to walk my dog this morning.
Her: Brandy! It's +3
Me: It was snowing this morning!
Her: Haha you are so fucked. Wait until it's -50
-she gestures to my winter parka-
Me: Ya..... it was cold out! I had to walk my dog this morning.
Her: Brandy! It's +3
Me: It was snowing this morning!
Her: Haha you are so fucked. Wait until it's -50
Dear Vodka,
Can you hear me?
Lesbian Colleague Hookup
Dear Fellow Lesbians,
Why I don't recommend sleeping with your hot lesbian colleagues (this is based on personal experience from years ago and not theory).
Why I don't recommend sleeping with your hot lesbian colleagues (this is based on personal experience from years ago and not theory).
Explained by THE Tim Gunn:
Dear Soulmate
Dear Soulmate,
Where are you?!
Do you exist?
I hope you didn't die in a surfing calamity.
Or a fire.
Or a tragic juggling accident.
Maybe we live mere blocks from each other but never cross paths because one of us hits the green light while the other hits the red.
Several times I thought I saw you from a distance but when I got up close I saw your face had changed.
Please find me before I am old and wrinkley (I guesstimate you have about 80 years left).
You will recognize me when you see me as I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
Love Brandy
Where are you?!
Do you exist?
I hope you didn't die in a surfing calamity.
Or a fire.
Or a tragic juggling accident.
Maybe we live mere blocks from each other but never cross paths because one of us hits the green light while the other hits the red.
Several times I thought I saw you from a distance but when I got up close I saw your face had changed.
Please find me before I am old and wrinkley (I guesstimate you have about 80 years left).
You will recognize me when you see me as I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
Love Brandy
