Shit Drunk People Say
"WE'RE YOUNG AND WIIIIIILDDDD AND FREEEEEEEEEE!!!"I bring you todays post from my kitchen where I am dancing, singing, typing, and eating mango at the same time!!! Cause I'm a multi-tasking wizard-ess!
Just got up at 1 in the afternoon. Probably against the bylaw to have this much fun.
Re: http://brandymars.blogspot.ca/2014/07/the-fun-police-are-cracking-down.html
Just got up at 1 in the afternoon. Probably against the bylaw to have this much fun.
Re: http://brandymars.blogspot.ca/2014/07/the-fun-police-are-cracking-down.html
So in honour of the long weekend:
SHIT DRUNK PEOPLE SAY!
Man in elevator: I don't want to date your Dad!
*awkward silence*
Man in elevator: I don't know why I said that.
In line at the bar
Her: My name is Arriba.
(She looks deeply into his eyes)
Her: Like the chip.
(He looks deep into her eyes)
Him: No way! That's my favourite chip! Restaurant style.
Tinder Vs. Plenty Of Fish. Notes from a seasoned sailor-ess.
TINDER:
She punches me in the arm. Kinda hard. It hurts but she follows it up with, "Shut up! You are so cute. You make me nervous." And then she giggles. We both cheshire cat smile. Cobbles underneath our feet. I was teasing her about something-hence the punch-but I can't remember what now....she has nice hair. I'm distracted. Old staircases hang off the heritage buildings. "Want a sip of my beer?"She raises her eyebrows. Eyebrows. We talk about eyebrows. Bits of the night fly back into my memory. Yes, she has man eyebrows she says. We laugh. We laugh and laugh and laugh. This is good. More of this please.
Instant rewind 4 years:
PLENTY OF FISH:
He opens the door. 35 pairs of sneakers in boxes arranged by his front door. He says he is a nurse. Riiiiight. You aren't fooling anyone buddy, but ok. We sit on his couch. I have known him for about 30 minutes.
Him: "Do you have any piercings?"
Me: "Ears, you?"
He pulls out his Netherlands from his pants to show me it is pierced.
Me: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
I leave.
Who does that on a first date?! WHO?! Gross.
She punches me in the arm. Kinda hard. It hurts but she follows it up with, "Shut up! You are so cute. You make me nervous." And then she giggles. We both cheshire cat smile. Cobbles underneath our feet. I was teasing her about something-hence the punch-but I can't remember what now....she has nice hair. I'm distracted. Old staircases hang off the heritage buildings. "Want a sip of my beer?"She raises her eyebrows. Eyebrows. We talk about eyebrows. Bits of the night fly back into my memory. Yes, she has man eyebrows she says. We laugh. We laugh and laugh and laugh. This is good. More of this please.
Instant rewind 4 years:
PLENTY OF FISH:
He opens the door. 35 pairs of sneakers in boxes arranged by his front door. He says he is a nurse. Riiiiight. You aren't fooling anyone buddy, but ok. We sit on his couch. I have known him for about 30 minutes.
Him: "Do you have any piercings?"
Me: "Ears, you?"
He pulls out his Netherlands from his pants to show me it is pierced.
Me: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
I leave.
Who does that on a first date?! WHO?! Gross.
Lesbian High Fives
Woman at work: So what do you do on the weekends since you are new to town?
Me: I go to the beach and hang out with some friend I have made. I'm also seeing someone. It's new but really great!
Woman at work: Oh nice! What's his name?
Me: Actually, I am dating a woman.
Woman at work: Awesome!
She high fives me!
She high-fived me!!!!!!
A colleague in the fashion industry gave me a sincere high five for dating a woman!
I WON!
Then I danced around my desk in a whimsical fashion throwing glitter everywhere and bear hugging people.
Ok fine, I didn't. But I wanted to!
Smelling Nail Polish And Kissing Girls
Me: I like your shoes. You always have great man shoes. I should borrow them one day(this is me flirting). I have big feet. I totally could fit them.
Him: Um thanks. You always have nice pink nail polish.
(It's true. I always have a manicure. Cause I'm girly and like bein purdy)
Me: Thanks! You can borrow it sometime! I have a whole bottle.
Him: I just want to smell it.
*incredibly awkward silence*
Him: I have no idea why I said that.
If he hadn't said that I probably would have dated him in one more desperate plea with the universe for a functional heterosexual relationship- like a drunk clinging to shards of grass on the lawn terrified they are going to fly into the sun and burn up if they let go. And it probably would have worked. As long as we had sex in the dark. And I pretended he was Megan Fox. Ha.
But as it all panned out I in fact did not date him. What I did was I went to Home Depot immediately and bought a big-ass lock and then I started dating a girl. And she came over to my place and helped me instal it on my door to keep out weirdos who want to smell my nail polish. Cause I'm girly and am not skilled with power tools(see above reference: hot pink toes). And that was the first time we kissed(awwww).
Him: Um thanks. You always have nice pink nail polish.
(It's true. I always have a manicure. Cause I'm girly and like bein purdy)
Me: Thanks! You can borrow it sometime! I have a whole bottle.
Him: I just want to smell it.
*incredibly awkward silence*
Him: I have no idea why I said that.
If he hadn't said that I probably would have dated him in one more desperate plea with the universe for a functional heterosexual relationship- like a drunk clinging to shards of grass on the lawn terrified they are going to fly into the sun and burn up if they let go. And it probably would have worked. As long as we had sex in the dark. And I pretended he was Megan Fox. Ha.
But as it all panned out I in fact did not date him. What I did was I went to Home Depot immediately and bought a big-ass lock and then I started dating a girl. And she came over to my place and helped me instal it on my door to keep out weirdos who want to smell my nail polish. Cause I'm girly and am not skilled with power tools(see above reference: hot pink toes). And that was the first time we kissed(awwww).
The Fun Police Are Cracking Down
Via email:
Mr.Landlord: "High heels are not allowed in our by-laws. Please don't wear them."
Me: "Ok...no problem. Haven't worn heels in like a month...especially not inside my apartment lol
Mr.Landlord: Whatever the footwear is I am hearing."
Me: "Alrighty, no problem. Probably Bettie(my dog). She's always wearing my shoes when I'm not home! Rascal."
No response. Some people have no sense of humour! Also WTF there is no by-law against heels dude! Don't be a hater Mr. Landlord. If you want to borrow them I have some red ones that will make your calves look bomb. You only had to ask.
Mr.Landlord: "High heels are not allowed in our by-laws. Please don't wear them."
Me: "Ok...no problem. Haven't worn heels in like a month...especially not inside my apartment lol
Mr.Landlord: Whatever the footwear is I am hearing."
Me: "Alrighty, no problem. Probably Bettie(my dog). She's always wearing my shoes when I'm not home! Rascal."
No response. Some people have no sense of humour! Also WTF there is no by-law against heels dude! Don't be a hater Mr. Landlord. If you want to borrow them I have some red ones that will make your calves look bomb. You only had to ask.
Happiness
It's true what they say about sunshine and exercise making you happy and releasing endorphins. Also French bras. And high heels. They always forget to mention those.
