The Witching Hour
*a woman in a massive hat made of black roses and netting orders a drink
Her: This place is a legend
Her: This place is a legend
*behind me a man throws a laughing woman in heels over his shoulder and carries her into the night
-I smile and take a sip of red wine-
Her: It's the witching hour
Art Show Dance Party
went to a 4 floor dance art party last night!!
so rad
drinking red wine 4 meters away from real Salvador Dali paintings
*boom*
aaaaamazing
Built to feel
-hanging with my friend-
Him: You are so sensual
-I smile at him-
Him: So affectionate.
-I shake my head no-
-he shakes his head no but with question mark eyebrows-
Me(trying to be serious): Nope, not affectionate at all.
-we both laugh-
Him: You are so sensual
-I smile at him-
Him: So affectionate.
-I shake my head no-
-he shakes his head no but with question mark eyebrows-
Me(trying to be serious): Nope, not affectionate at all.
-we both laugh-
the only crime is withholding real love.
and disrespecting your body.
we are built to feel
First Funeral
Went to the first funeral of my life today.
The service was really thoughtful....
sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words for a friend at a time like this...
none of them seem good enough ....
or seem to reach far enough...
or to be consoling enough.....
which is when I resort to being exactly like a Labrador Retriever who puts it's paw on your foot when you are crying. I don't have words. But I'm here. And have limitless word-less hugs for you.
The service was really thoughtful....
sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words for a friend at a time like this...
none of them seem good enough ....
or seem to reach far enough...
or to be consoling enough.....
which is when I resort to being exactly like a Labrador Retriever who puts it's paw on your foot when you are crying. I don't have words. But I'm here. And have limitless word-less hugs for you.
If it will make you smile
I will also do a really terrifying twerk style floor dance that resembles this:
JUST glitter
Me: Oooooooooooooooo I love your nails!
Her: Oh thanks! They are just glitter
Me: There is no such thing as JUST glitter!
Her: Oh thanks! They are just glitter
Me: There is no such thing as JUST glitter!
below: how I feel about glitter and sequins
It's REALLY me!!! aka getting wrongly arrested for fake ID
.....oh hey there!
New years resolution to lose 35 pounds? DON'T DO IT! Here's why:
-three days after I bought my first home (awwwww!!!!)
*sirens*
Policeman: License and registration please.
-I dig through my chaotic glove compartment, mortgage papers fly out, lip-balm, glasses, broken pens, an apple, three almost empty bags of almonds, a diary with sketches, 2 bottles of pink nail polish, and a screw driver-
Policeman: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I have no idea (I honestly have no idea)
Policeman: You can't make a left turn here after 5pm
-he looks at my ID-and then me-and then my ID- and then me-
Policeman(sternly): Stay here.
-he walks to his police car and appears to be typing things into his dashboard-
-he comes back and is staring at me intensely and says nothing-
(I'm starting to feel really awkward)
Policeman: What is your dog's name?
Me: .....Bettie....(*in my head* WTF IS GOING ON?! I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!)
Policeman(angry): This ID looks nothing like you. Birthday?
-I tell him-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
Me(suddenly realizing what is going on): Ohhhhh!!! I've lost like 35 pounds! And my hair has changed! I didn't have bangs back then.......
Policeman: What is your address?
-I tell him the address of the apartment I just bought-
Policeman: That doesn't match your license
-he looks like he wants to punch a kitten-
Me: oooOOOOoooohhhh ya, I just moved. So that' my OLD address! I just bought an apartment!
-I look at my steering wheel and wonder who will feed my dog when I'm in jail-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
-he doesn't believe me goes back to his cop car-
The moral of this story:
Do not lose weight.
Do not change your hair.
You will get arrested for ID theft even though it really is you in the photo.
#truestory
