Sisters
-after having a huge fight on Granville Street-
She reaches across the table
and crushes my tiny little sister fingers in her "I will kick your a** palm"
we smile at each other
and agree
to disagree on everything
forever
The Last Man
-she swirls the wine glass-
Him: What does it smell like?
Her: ....oak, with a hint of cinnamon..... light tones
-he looks at me-
*I close my eyes and inhale deeply*
*I close my eyes and inhale deeply*
Me: ... it smells like the last time I slept with a man
The Rule Of Numb
I walk my dog until my legs go completely numb.
this takes about 15 minutes in -50 weather
Accidentally Dropped Acid
I have this theory that however you spend your New Years Eve is how your year will go.
Last year:
Drank a copious amount of champagne
Accidentally dropped acid
Wore inappropriate footwear for -30 weather
Got in a huge fight with one of my best platonic male friends after he confessed his love to me and I did not reciprocate
Made out with a gorgeous woman in a black sequin dress
Went to a fancy dress party
Ate poutine
And kissed a handsome stranger
Last year:
Drank a copious amount of champagne
Accidentally dropped acid
Wore inappropriate footwear for -30 weather
Got in a huge fight with one of my best platonic male friends after he confessed his love to me and I did not reciprocate
Made out with a gorgeous woman in a black sequin dress
Went to a fancy dress party
Ate poutine
And kissed a handsome stranger
This year, I might stay home and watch The Hobbit.
Blank Space For Your Name
The Mom: My three year old was singing, "I'm a nightmare dressed up as a daydream" into the karaoke machine
Me: The Taylor Swift "Blank Space" song?
The Mom: Ya
Other lady: That's my theme song!
Me: The Taylor Swift "Blank Space" song?
The Mom: Ya
Other lady: That's my theme song!
Is something burning?
-Christmas day with the fam-
Grandma(peering around): Is something burning?
Little girl in pigtails: Can I have a yoghurt?
-Little boy runs screaming through the living room-
Peruvian Mom: NONONO te toque que hace calor! MIRA!
-Three year old in pink unicorn slippers hops by singing "Let iiiiit gooooooo letttt it gooooo"-
Me: I can't find the celery
-Fire alarm goes off-
Grandma(peering around): Is something burning?
Little girl in pigtails: Can I have a yoghurt?
-Little boy runs screaming through the living room-
Peruvian Mom: NONONO te toque que hace calor! MIRA!
-Three year old in pink unicorn slippers hops by singing "Let iiiiit gooooooo letttt it gooooo"-
Me: I can't find the celery
-Fire alarm goes off-
the adults wave kitchen towels through the air
