Blog

The best part of winter in the proverbial arctic is strategically not wearing a bra.
Maybe I'm wearing one.
Maybe I'm not!
You can't tell because of my four sweaters, parka, and scarf.
Maybe I don't even have boobs in the winter and they are like perennial tulips.
Surprise!

Him: Can I help you?
Me: No thanks, that's ok
Him: We have gardening things, I'll show you the shovels
Me: For the bodies?
-he gives me a bewildered look followed by a blank stare-

5pm: car crash whiplash and flu symptoms
6pm: feeling sorry for myself
6:30: napping
7:00: find out there is a lesbian dance party happening
7:01: triumphant surge of wellness
7:05: puts on a dress

I have new neighbours.
I know because my apartment  has smelled like the following things in the last 24 hours due to shared ventilation:
Old man cigarettes
Garlic
Seafood(strong)
Pot(my bathroom is basically hot boxed 24/7 and not to my doing. If this is your thing come on over! Every bath is a "special" bath now at Brandy's loft)

Also, my apartment is now filled with the joyful sounds of reggae and babies crying radiating through the living room floor.

His house is a shining beacon of happiness after driving through barren unmarked gravel roads. It looks warm and as I wait outside in the cold I hear eruptions of laughter coming from somewhere.
That's weird, because he said it was only a few friends but it sounds like a lot more. I knock twice and then because my fingers are going numb I let myself in and lay my jacket on a large plush leather chair.
A couple is coming up from the basement as I enter. Expensive shoes are piled by the doorway and it smells like chicken. I introduce myself to the couple and we both apologize for not remembering each other's names from the wedding a few months ago. They offer me a drink and show me a drawer full of crystal glasses. The kitchen is twice the size of my loft apartment and every counter top is covered in fancy food arranged elegantly. The woman ties an iridescent curled ribbon around my wrist(I still have no idea what this was for and in fact have it on while I'm typing this).
More house shaking eruptions of laughter come from the basement. I cross the hardwood floor and head down to the basement and see they are playing a drinking game involving a pool table. I scan the room for my 6'8 friend who is hosting the party but don't see him anywhere. I place my drink down on a Ping pong table. I'm greeted by a guy in his 20's wearing a T-shirt with a vintage dinosaur print on it. He's super friendly and introduces me to 5 other people. I start asking people if they have seen my friend and people keep saying no and looking confused. I assume they are teasing me. After a few rounds of this all 30 people have turned around and are staring at me. I am in the wrong party. This is not his house. My body temperature rises about 20 degrees. I take off my beanie. I'm flushing. All the blood in my body is in my cheeks.
 "You should stay!" they say with ear to ear grins. Eruptions of laughter from everyone including me. We take a group photo. Someone hands me a Jell-O shot.

*6am, drinking coffee with my Dad pre-flight*
Him: Do you think your carry-on bag is going to be overweight with that sewing machine in there?
Me: I don't know....
Him: Hmmm
Me: I wish I had a marsupial pouch. Then I would just be like(suave voice) "This is all me"