Friends everywhere!
*Checking out Iphones
Him(rocking the man bun with shaved sides, thick accent): We have the same haircut!
Me: Totally! Haha!
Him: Do you use Siri?
Me: No I tried it once on my old phone but it didn't really work
Him: Oh hunny, it works now! Even with my accent! You can ask it anything! Siri, how old is Cameron Diaz?
-Siri female robot voice chimes in-
Me: Haha! You are awesome!
Him: YOU are awesome!
I make friends everywhere lol
Puppybowl!!!
You guys!
There SHOULD be a Puppybowl!
I would totally watch that! Labs Vs. Poodles!
Half time show: Grumpy Cat.
Done!
Dance all night
So, I'm off to get my car from Earl's where I left it at the witching hour.
I'm taking a cab instead of walking because:
1. I'm super sore from dancing all night at a 4 floor art party
2. It's INSANELY cold out
I actually really enjoy my ritual car-retrieving walks with Bettie(ma puppy) because:
1. It's nice to be outside. I seriously love these walks in the summer. Love.
2. Exercise is good for the noggin
3. I feel less guilty about the debauchery if I work out haha
Which is why I go to the gym every Sunday
The Witching Hour
*a woman in a massive hat made of black roses and netting orders a drink
Her: This place is a legend
Her: This place is a legend
*behind me a man throws a laughing woman in heels over his shoulder and carries her into the night
-I smile and take a sip of red wine-
Her: It's the witching hour
First Funeral
Went to the first funeral of my life today.
The service was really thoughtful....
sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words for a friend at a time like this...
none of them seem good enough ....
or seem to reach far enough...
or to be consoling enough.....
which is when I resort to being exactly like a Labrador Retriever who puts it's paw on your foot when you are crying. I don't have words. But I'm here. And have limitless word-less hugs for you.
The service was really thoughtful....
sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words for a friend at a time like this...
none of them seem good enough ....
or seem to reach far enough...
or to be consoling enough.....
which is when I resort to being exactly like a Labrador Retriever who puts it's paw on your foot when you are crying. I don't have words. But I'm here. And have limitless word-less hugs for you.
If it will make you smile
I will also do a really terrifying twerk style floor dance that resembles this:
It's REALLY me!!! aka getting wrongly arrested for fake ID
.....oh hey there!
New years resolution to lose 35 pounds? DON'T DO IT! Here's why:
-three days after I bought my first home (awwwww!!!!)
*sirens*
Policeman: License and registration please.
-I dig through my chaotic glove compartment, mortgage papers fly out, lip-balm, glasses, broken pens, an apple, three almost empty bags of almonds, a diary with sketches, 2 bottles of pink nail polish, and a screw driver-
Policeman: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I have no idea (I honestly have no idea)
Policeman: You can't make a left turn here after 5pm
-he looks at my ID-and then me-and then my ID- and then me-
Policeman(sternly): Stay here.
-he walks to his police car and appears to be typing things into his dashboard-
-he comes back and is staring at me intensely and says nothing-
(I'm starting to feel really awkward)
Policeman: What is your dog's name?
Me: .....Bettie....(*in my head* WTF IS GOING ON?! I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!)
Policeman(angry): This ID looks nothing like you. Birthday?
-I tell him-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
Me(suddenly realizing what is going on): Ohhhhh!!! I've lost like 35 pounds! And my hair has changed! I didn't have bangs back then.......
Policeman: What is your address?
-I tell him the address of the apartment I just bought-
Policeman: That doesn't match your license
-he looks like he wants to punch a kitten-
Me: oooOOOOoooohhhh ya, I just moved. So that' my OLD address! I just bought an apartment!
-I look at my steering wheel and wonder who will feed my dog when I'm in jail-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
-he doesn't believe me goes back to his cop car-
The moral of this story:
Do not lose weight.
Do not change your hair.
You will get arrested for ID theft even though it really is you in the photo.
#truestory
